Good Humor Page -
You Know You Are From
- The "farm-to-market" roads have
- You have to
turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29
- Everybody has a story of a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think
he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just
stepped in a fire-ant bed.
You're on your way to work one February morning and find yourself suddenly
btrapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses - with
riders - and you look around to see that everybody in the trucks around
you is wearing a cowboy hat.
The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean
- "Luv ya Blue"
still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of
the World, and NOT the Reliantdome.
You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a
"blue norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40
- Your neighbor's
Christmas yard decorations are a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK
Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy
hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs
because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you
don't care because that's where you get great prices on fake designer merchandise.
You go to an art festival and you're almost run down by hand holding
cross-dressers on roller blades.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to
window shop. (You can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for
all the foreign tourists.)
know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to
practice good dental hygiene.
You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than
- For a Chili Cook
off, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that
the only GOOD chili is made with NO beans or NO tomatoes.
Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that
have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still
haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your
- You've never
seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition other than under construction - and
you've lived here for more than 30 years.
You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile
- "The Dream" is
not a fantasy.
- The only REAL
Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
- A 747
with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right
overhead, and the city went out to watch.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more
the U.S. treasury.
- You're happy to have beaten Los
Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title
of "Smog Capital."
see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who
wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names,
allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally
obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, MAR-VIN ZIND-ler,
iiiii-witness news" into a television camera every night. But some folks
are still upset with him for shutting down the Chicken Ranch.
My Good Humor